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The politician's real thoughts!
The politician was going to face the network’s newsman’s questions. He knew how important
this session would be. It was being shown live and millions would be watching. He was ready for the toughest questions. His staff
had prepped him for a week ahead of the interview. He wore his favorite Dolce & Gabbana dark suit with a presidential looking
blue tie. His Italian Santini shoes were buffed to a bright luster.
mind raced, attempting to remember all that his staff had briefed him about. He felt confident. He looked good and felt good. This
would be a giant step towards his occupation of the White House.
make up applied. Hair combed and sprayed. Suit jacket adjusted. He shook hands with the handsome network newsman. They exchanged pleasantries
and sat down, facing each other, six feet apart. Lighting was adjusted. The technicians and producers were ready in the sound proof
booth, above and to the right of the pair.
The floor director used his
fingers to count off the remaining time until the live show started. Six, five, four, three, two, one…The director’s right index finger
pointed towards the network newsman. “We’re on…”
The newsman introduced
himself and then a generous introduction of his guest.
a member of the U.S. House of Representatives for three terms. A popular Senator for the past eight years. And now, a leading independent
candidate for president of the United States.”
The candidate smiled and
offered, “Thank you John, my pleasure to be here with you.”
The floor director’s
right index finger swung towards the newsman, indicating that it was time to begin the interview.
we are in the midst of a painful recession, some call it a prelude to a double dip recession. What would you do to end this difficult
“Thank you for asking that important question. My plan is to put
more Americans to work. Everyone needs an opportunity to earn a fair living and we must improve what we are doing to help those Americans
who have left the middle class. America is the greatest country in the world and all Americans deserve a chance to earn a good living.
We, if elected, would provide jobs for millions of out-of-work Americans.”
(What the candidate was really
thinking: “Boy, that’s a tough question. I really don’t know what to do to put more Americans to work. This whole situation might
take ten or twenty years to fix. I’m stumped! I don’t have an answer.”)
next question for the candidate: “Sir, Do you think the federal government should, in any way, support abortions?”
John, as the father of five children you must know how I feel about abortions. It’s such an important matter when it comes to mothers
and their babies. I’m against abortion unless it will save lives and then I think abortion is permissible, but on the other hand I
think abortion should be banned. But, on the other hand maybe each state should decide what they want the law to be.”
the candidate was really thinking: “If I say I’m pro-choice I lose all the conservative votes. If I say I’m pro-life I lose all the
moderate and liberal voters. This guy asking the questions is a pain in my ass.”)
Where do you stand on making gay marriage legal by federal statute?”
now, I once knew a gay person. I think it’s better if a man marries a woman, but then again, what can we do if two fa….guys or two
women want to get married to each other? It isn’t natural, but maybe we have to let them do it. I don’t know.”
the candidate was really thinking: “This gay and lesbo thing is getting to be a pain. Why can’t men just marry women and not fool
around with their own kind? It ain’t natural.”)
“Sir, If you were elected
President would you work to have black people equally represented on your staff?”
are many black people out there that would be ideal to work on my staff if I was lucky enough to be elected.”
the candidate was really thinking: “I’ve never worked with black people before, but I’m sure we could find a place for some of them.”)
recently there have been many cutbacks made in our military. Are you in favor of these cutbacks or would you rather see a stronger
“We need a strong military. I think the Navy should have good
ships and the army real good tanks and rifles.”
(What the candidate was
really thinking: “I’m not sure we need all those generals and admirals. I like it when there are parades with marching bands.”)
sir, there has been a lot of talk lately about raising taxes on rich people. How do feel about that?”
now, we have a lot of poor people in this country and a lot of rich people too. Nobody likes to pay taxes and neither do I. Taxes
ought to be fair. If elected I propose that we do a survey and find out how the rich people feel.”
the candidate was really thinking: “This guy’s gotta be kidding. No matter what I say I lose votes. I know this; I don’t want anyone
raising my taxes. I worked too hard to get my money. I don’t want the government taking any more of it.”)
I thank you for taking the time to be with us here on channel four. I’m sure our viewers have listened carefully to your answers.
You’ve given us a good insight to just how you think. We wish you some luck.”
welcome. It was my pleasure.”
(What the candidate was really thinking:
“Jeez. I’m glad this is over. My shirt is soaking wet with flop sweat. How come this guy asked me all these questions? What the hell
do they have to do with being president?”