The guru speaks about women
Your comments about this column are welcome ~ e-mail Ron at
The Spectator
founded 2004 by ron cruger
A place for intelligent writers
A place for intelligent readers
 by Ron Cruger
2013 Spectator Ron - The Spectator All Rights Reserved
          On the day I had met the “Guru” I went home, anxious to tell my mother, father, sister and grandmother about my stimulating time with the “Guru” on the mountain top. I walked in the front door of our house, bubbling with the excitement of meeting the charismatic “Guru.”
          I called mom, dad, my sister and grandmother into our small living room and began telling them of my meeting with the “Guru.” I told them of how the “Guru” had taken the time to teach me what happens to a man as he ages. I explained how the “Guru” elucidated the physical and mental changes that men will undergo as they enter their fourth, fifth, sixth and beyond decades.
          I watched as mom, dad and grandma nodded their heads in agreement with what I related to them about what the “Guru” had told me. They agreed that men’s eyes will grow weak, their arms and thighs will become skinnier, their hearing will fade, baldness will come to most. The pains of arthritis will become a reminder of their age. Moles and skin blotches will appear over their bodies and hair will begin to grow from their ears.
          My young sister, born a decade after me, listened attentively to my story of the “Guru” and his knowledge of man aging. As I finished telling my family about my extraordinary time with the “Guru” my sister bore a quizzical look. When I said, “It was a wonderful time and I learned so much about men aging,” my sister asked me, “But, what about women, what did he say will happen to women as they grow older?”
          I told her that during my short time with the “Guru” he had spoken only of the adverse effects that aging will visit upon the male of the species. My mother added, “But, if that ‘Guru’ is as wise as you say he should know about what happens to women as they add years to their lives, shouldn’t he?”
          I told my mother and young sister, “I guess he knows, but he didn’t talk about women, only men. Maybe I should take both of you to see the “Guru” and you could ask him yourself about female aging.”
          My sister and mother agreed, they would go to see the “Guru” with me.
          So, the following Sunday, when the morning clouds had rolled away and the sun shone on the mountain top two miles from our home, I joined my mother and sister for the walk to the “Guru’s” home on the mountain top.
          It was a slow walk up the mountain, but finally the three of us reached the same spot that I had stood on a week before, some forty yards from the “Guru’s” cabin. Once again, the cabin door swung open and the “Guru” appeared. He leaned on the frame of the cabin’s single door. He wore the same woolen, plaid shirt, jeans and sandals.
          He waved to the three of us and beckoned us to join him.
          “Ah, my young friend, you have brought guests with you.” I told him, “Guru,” this is my mother and this is my sister. They have come to ask you questions.”
          With a gentle sweep of his hand the “Guru” invited us inside the cabin. He wished the three of us to join him with cups of tea. We all sat in his homemade chairs around his rough hewn table.
          In a few moments my little sister said, “Guru,” we have come to hear you tell us about what happens when we women grow older.” My mother added, “Yes, ‘Guru,’ we have heard what you said about men aging, but what about us women?”
          The “Guru” answered, “Are you sure you want to have this knowledge? What happens to women is even more radical than what happens to men. You may not want to know the truth.”
          My young sister asked, “Yes, yes, please tell us. It is better that we know now. I hate surprises.”
          The “Guru” looked in the eyes of my mother, then my sister. He leaned forward in his chair and said, “Women, starting sometimes in their thirties and forties, sometimes in their fifties, will sometime undergo many changes in their minds and bodies.”
          The “Guru” gazed at the ceiling of his cabin, stretched out his legs and said, “Perhaps, one day, years from today, you will notice a strange hair growing from you chin. Strange waves of irritability will come over you and you will begin to find fault with those around you. Those closest to you will call you ‘grumpy’ behind your back. You will step on your scale and find ten or twenty pounds have been added to your body, mostly in the middle areas. One day you will look at your pubic area and notice grey hairs sprouting, matching those forming on the top of your head.”
          “It may be that the thick coat of hair on your head will change and you will one day find little bald spots surrounded by the grey hairs. You will look in a mirror and wonder to whom the body you see belongs to. You will notice skin sagging around your face and neck, your once tight waist will gain a bagel- like looking roll and your once firm rear will begin a descent towards the floor. Others will find that skin and muscle will droop from the back of their arms as though their bodies were shedding loose flesh . There will be many nights when you will awaken from your sleep sweating for no cause. Your heart may wildly beat for no reason and you may get headaches that you feel will end your life. If you are one of the unlucky ones your breasts may swell and become tender beyond belief. Thinking of having sex will cause nausea. Men will often appear to be no more than piles of irritation. Sex will rank with having a root canal. Your once clear and translucent skin will grow strange eruptions and dry spots will appear. Your rational mind may become muddled at times making you unable to make the simplest decisions and you will be annoyed at whatever a male does.”
          “Unfortunately, some women will become irritable if the sun shines or if Tuesday comes, but all of this is due to the onset of ovarian failure – the time when the woman stops creating eggs. Some woman will find themselves in the embarrassing situation of going to the bathroom while they are shopping at the local supermarket or while watching television. Their bladder can turn into a creature with a mind of its own, deciding when and where it cares to release some of its contents.”
          The “Guru” asked if we wanted more tea. The three of us answered “No thanks.”
          Then he continued, “And so, you see that some women, as they enter their fourth, fifth and sixth decades can be faced with unique problems and some of these dilemmas will continue for years, others will eventually disappear.
          I looked at my mother and sister. My mother, already in the throws of some of the symptoms of menopause was staring absently at the “Guru.” She appeared to be numb. My young sister’s eyes were glued to her shoe tops. She appeared to be embarrassed and stunned.
          I told the “Guru,” “Thanks for once again giving us your knowledge. I know my mother and sister appreciate what you have told us, as I do. We have taken up too much of your time and we will go now.”
          The “Guru” said, “I am glad you three came to my home. I hope that this knowledge will be of help to you. You are welcome to visit me and my humble home anytime. I wish you good health and happiness. God be with you.”
          The three of us shook the “Guru’s” hand and bid him farewell. We silently walked down the mountain to our home.
          Inside, my grandmother said, “Did you meet the “Guru?” Did he tell you about what happens to women?” My mother and sister told my grandmother and my father what the “Guru” had told them.
          My grandmother said, “I could have told you that.”
          My father said, “Jeez!”