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Featured Column
Week of 10.4.2004
The Big Debate!
Kerry vs. Bush
ANNOUNCER: Voice Over: “ Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, The Comedy Channel and The Cartoon Channel are privileged to bring you the fourth Presidential Debate. There were only three debates between President Bush and Senator Kerry originally scheduled, but so many of the important questions were dodged, avoided, sidestepped and weaseled out of that it was decided to offer free time to the contestants to answer these important questions for the American public. And, in order to broaden the importance of this debate we are including Vice President Dick Chaney and Senator John Edwards in the proceedings tonight. The format of this debate will consist of each candidate being able to ask his opponent any question relating to the election. Now, let’s get started. Mr. President, you may begin the questioning.”

PRESIDENT BUSH: “Senator Kerry, what’s with your hair? Do you have a someone tease it, comb it and spray it, or do you do it yourself?”
SENATOR KERRY: “Mr. President, it’s none of your friggin’ business. And let’s not get into hair, big boy, because it looks like you’re about to lose another batch of your follicles by election day.”
PRESIDENT BUSH: “This question is for Senator Edwards. Is that accent of yours real or do you put it on to get the Southern vote?”
SENATOR EDWARDS: “Ah towk this waiy ‘caose I’ma sothern gennelman. If anyone shood know about accents it’s you all. You an that hokey semi- Texas drawl don’t fool me, you’re a just a spoiled, rich Yale yokel.”
SENATOR KERRY: “This is a question for Vice President Chaney. Sir, remember back, right after 9-11? Well, where did you go to hide out all the time?”
VICE PRESIDENT CHANEY: “ Well, I’ve never told anyone, not even the Bush-man, but there’s a secret room right behind the 7-11 store in my neighborhood and whenever things look dangerous in the world I lock myself in there. Only time I come out is to get some nachos, bean dip and a Slurpie.” SENATOR KERRY: “ Mr. President, How come you walk that way, you know, that elbows-out prancing swagger you have?”
PRESIDENT BUSH: “If you must know, Ketchup boy, it’s because my deodorant hasn’t dried yet. Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a hemorrhoid, but if you did you’d know that it ain’t easy to walk regular-like.”
SENATOR EDWARDS: “Mr. Vice President, I want to know if you’re really still running the Halliburton corporation from your Vice President’s office?”
VICE PRESIDENT CHANEY: “Are you nuts. I never did run Halliburton. In fact, even back then I spent more time in the back room at the 7-11 store than at that stodgy Halliburton joint. I love a good Slurpie.”
PRESIDENT BUSH: “ So, Senator Kerry, is your wife really as much a firecracker as he makes out on television?”
SENATOR KERRY: “Hoo, boy, are you kidding. My wife is hot stuff. She’s got a temper like Mike Tyson, and by the way, she probably has a left hook better than his. Just between you and me, don’t get her mad or she could break your face.”
VICE PRESIDENT CHANEY: “Senator Edwards. How old are you? You look like you could still be in puberty.”
SENATOR EDWARDS: “ I’m older than I look and I’ve been out of puberty for years. My question to you, old-man, sir, is, can you remember when you were in puberty – or was there a puberty way back then?”
PRESIDENT BUSH: “Senator Kerry, Are you really “wishy-washy?”
SENATOR KERRY: “ Well, it’s hard to say, sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. Depends. I could be or I could not be. Some days I might be, some days I’m not. Who’s to say?”
SENATOR KERRY: “Mr. President. Are you vacuous as people say you are?”
PRESIDENT BUSH: “What? What’s a vacuum got to do with being President?

ANNOUNCER: Voice Over: “Thank you gentlemen. We appreciate your contributions. I think the four of you have answered many of the questions that have been on American’s minds about your abilities to govern this great land.
      Ron was born in the Bronx, New York. He was raised in Southern California and lived in Honolulu, Hawaii for three decades. He attended Inglewood High School and U.C.L.A.. His youthful goal was to become a major league baseball player. In Hawaii Ron played on a series of championship softball teams. He is an active tennis player.
      Ron’s career began at the Inglewood Daily News where as a youngster was enrolled in a publisher training program. He served as an advertising salesman, circulation manager, writer and layout and design staffer. He has been a newspaper publisher at the Oregon City Oregon Enterprise Courier, the Beloit Wisconsin Daily News, the Elizabeth, New Jersey Daily Journal and This Week Magazines (Hawaii).
      Ron lives with his wife, Marilyn, in San Diego, California. His two children, Douglas and Diane also live in the San Diego area. Ron’s interests range far and wide and are reflected in his columns diverse topics.
     
Ron Cruger