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Interview with a big, fat liar
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 by Ron Cruger
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 “I don’t want to embarrass you, sir, but how much do you weigh?” The uncomfortable man’s eyes shyly fixed on the tops of his shoes as he fidgeted in his chair. He was silent for a few seconds and then he meekly answered, “I weigh 210 pounds, but I should weigh about 185.” The television camera focused on his belly, then on his blushing cheeks.
          The television interviewer pushed ahead. “So, you think you’re about twenty five pounds overweight, right?” The man grimaced and a slight pink hue flushed on his cheeks. Finally he replied, “Yes, yes, I’ve tried dieting for years, but the diets just don’t seem to work on me.”
          “Sir, I want to thank you for permitting me to interview you about dieting. Perhaps some overweight people will watch this show and decide to lose some excess poundage. You could actually be saving some lives by talking about dieting.”
          “Sir, have you ever tried the Atkins Diet?”
            “Why, yes I have, for about a week, but I got some terrific headaches so I stopped doing it.” The interviewer questioned, “Did your headaches go away when you stopped doing Atkins?”
          “Why, yes. It was strange. As soon as I went to Burger King and had a ‘Whopper’ my headache went away. Odd, eh?”
          “What other diets have you been on?”
          “Oh, I’ve tried the South Beach Diet, Slim Fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet, the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet and a few others.”
          “Did you lose weight on any of these diets?”
          “Actually, not a single one of them worked.”
          “Sir, you mean you followed the diet instructions and you still didn’t lose weight?”
          “Yes, it’s totally true. I don’t know what it is, but these diets just don’t work for me. Like I stayed on the Cabbage Soup diet for two whole days and nothing happened except I got this terrific splitting headache. I thought I was going to die. I also got such a case of constipation I couldn’t believe it.”
          “What about the Slim Fast Diet?”
          “Oh, that one. I had a very bad time with it. I sprained my right pinkie opening a can the first day, so I had to go off it.”
             “And the Hollywood 48- Hour Miracle Diet, how did that work?”
             “I clearly remember that one. I started that one on Wednesday and by Thursday afternoon I developed a miserable twitch in my left eye. Had to stop that diet immediately.”
          “Sir, have you ever done the Jenny Craig diet?”
          “Oh, brother, have I. That one I stopped half way through the first day. You see, for breakfast I had a grapefruit and a cup of coffee and I got so weak that I had to get back in bed for the rest of the day. It was a dangerous time. That night I called Pizza Palace and had them deliver a medium Supreme Pizza. About five slices into that I started getting my strength back. I won’t do that diet again. It’s much too dangerous. Leaves a guy very weak.”
“And the South Beach Diet, sir, have you done that one too?”
“Yup, that one almost killed me. You see, I bought the book, set me back a pretty penny, too. Anyway, I took the book home and started reading it and when I got to the part about not eating cheeseburgers anymore – or Krispy Kremes or spaghetti or bagels. I started feeling very weak. I accidently dropped the book on my left big toe and broke it. I knew that was a bad omen, so I quickly got off that diet.”
          “And Weight Watchers, have you tried that one?”
          “Oh, yeah. I started that one on a Monday. I drove down to Weight Watchers office to pick up some food and dammit, I got a parking ticket that cost me forty five bucks. I got so darn frustrated I went next door to Subway and ate a six inch meatball sandwich. Weight Watchers really didn’t work.”
                    “Well, sir, if you don’t mind me saying so, it sounds as though you have a difficult time sticking to a diet. What are you going to try next?”
          “Heck, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for a diet to come out that really works. You know, something realistic.”
          “Well, sir, thanks for your time. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who have watched this program, “A healthier Life,” who will understand dieting a lot better thanks to you.”
          The bright television lights dimmed and the overweight man rose from his chair. The interviewer shook the man’s hand and thanked him for his time.
          The overweight man left the television studio and quickly walked to the nearby Arby’s.