Featured Column
Week of 6.14.2004
Interview with a big, fat liar
Diets and Burger King
           “I don’t want to embarrass you, sir, but how much do you weigh?” His eyes roamed to the tops of his shoes as he fidgeted in his chair. He was silent for a few seconds and then quietly said, “I weigh 230 pounds, but I should weigh about 190.”
          “So, you think you’re about 40 pounds overweight, right?” This time he grimaced slightly and replied, “Yes, yes, I’ve tried dieting for years, but the diets just don’t seem to work on me.”
           “Sir, I want to thank you for permitting me to interview you about dieting. Perhaps some overweight people will read this column and decide to lose some excess poundage. You could actually be saving some lives by talking about dieting.”
           “Sir, have you tried the Atkins diet?”
           “Why, yes I have, for about a week, but I got some terrific headaches so I stopped doing it.” I asked him, “Did your headaches go away when you stopped doing Atkins?” “Yes, it was strange. As soon as I went to Burger King and had a “Whopper” my headache went away.”
           “What other diets have you been on?” Oh, I’ve tried the South Beach Diet, Slim Fast, the Cabbage Soup Diet, the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet and a few others.”
           “Did you lose weight on any of these diets?” Actually, not one of them worked.”
           “Sir, you mean you followed the diet instructions and you still didn’t lose weight?” “Yes, it’s totally true. I don’t know what it is, but these diets just don’t work with me. Like I stayed on the Cabbage Soup Diet for two whole days and nothing happened except I got another headache and also suffered severe constipation.”
           “What about the Slim Fast Diet?” “Oh, that one. I had a bad time with it.” I sprained my right index finger opening a can the first day, so I had to go off it.”
           “And the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet, how did that work?” “Oh, that one. I started that one day and by lunch I got a bad twitch in my right eye, so I had to stop.”
          “Sir, have you ever done the Jenny Craig diet?” Oh, brother, have I. That one I stopped half way through the first day.” “ How come you stopped, sir?” “Well, for breakfast I had grapefruit and a cup of coffee and got so weak I had to get back in bed for the rest of the day. I had to have a medium Supreme Pizza delivered to my house before I got my strength back. I won’t do that diet again. Very dangerous.”
           “And the South Beach Diet, sir, have you done that one?” “Yup, that one almost did me in. Well, I bought the book, set me back a pretty penny, too. Anyway, I took the book home and started reading it and when I got to the section about not eating cheeseburgers, Krispy Kremes and spaghetti I felt weak and dropped the book on my left big toe and broke it. I thought that was a bad omen so I got off that diet.”
           “And Weight Watchers, have you tried that one?” “Yes, I went on that one too. It was a Monday when I started. I drove down to the Weight Watchers office to pick up some food and I got a parking ticket that cost me fifteen bucks and I got so frustrated I went next door to the Subway and had a six inch meatball sandwich.”
           “Well, sir, it sounds as though you have a difficult time sticking to a diet. What are you going to try next?” “Heck, I don’t know, I’m just waiting for a diet to come out that really works. You know, something realistic.”
           “Thank you for your time, sir. I’m sure a lot of people who read this will understand dieting a lot better thanks to you.”
      Ron was born in the Bronx, New York. He was raised in Southern California and lived in Honolulu, Hawaii for three decades. He attended Inglewood High School and U.C.L.A.. His youthful goal was to become a major league baseball player. In Hawaii Ron played on a series of championship softball teams. He is an active tennis player.
      Ron’s career began at the Inglewood Daily News where as a youngster was enrolled in a publisher training program. He served as an advertising salesman, circulation manager, writer and layout and design staffer. He has been a newspaper publisher at the Oregon City Oregon Enterprise Courier, the Beloit Wisconsin Daily News, the Elizabeth, New Jersey Daily Journal and This Week Magazines (Hawaii).
      Ron lives with his wife, Marilyn, in San Diego, California. His two children, Douglas and Diane also live in the San Diego area. Ron’s interests range far and wide and are reflected in his columns diverse topics.
Ron Cruger