Week of 12.13.2010

"I'm definitely not cool!"

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written by Ron:

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          The whole thing snuck up on me. I didn’t feel anything happening, but year after year it was taking its toll. My first awareness was four years ago, when I checked out the nominees for the annual Billboard Awards and realized I recognized very few of the names on the lists. Seems like yesterday that I had recognized most of the singers, groups and entertainers, but now the only names familiar to me are given “Lifetime Achievement Awards” and their grandchildren are in the audience applauding as the aged winners accept their trophies.
            I was turning the dial on my radio, when it really hit me. The local news had ended and the disc jockey introduced a new tune by Eminem. I listened to the first few bars and found it terminally unpleasant. It was the first time I had actually heard the wildly popular Eminem talk a song. From what I could understand the song was filled with bathroom humor, misogynism and some other things of which I didn’t understand.
           It must be me, I thought. I’m definitely not cool!
           I took off my shoes, stretched out in my recliner and thought about the things I don’t have and don’t do that make me un-cool. 
           To start, I don’t like Eminem. The guy and his music are at best annoying and irritating. In fact, I don’t get anything out of the whole of hip-hop/ rap thing. I came to the conclusion that I come from another time, another place.
            I think those baggy, bulky cargo pants are very unattractive to the wearer. And seeing someone walk ahead of me with his pants barely clinging to his rear seems not only extremely uncomfortable to the wearer but not very fashionable, considering that I can see some kid’s butt staring at me.
            I’ve never seen the coolness of wearing a baseball cap backwards. What’s the idea behind that? If you don’t like the idea of having a bill on your cap why not just wear a beanie? 
            There are so many things I don’t do. I don’t whip out my cell phone while in line at Ralph’s and share my conversation with others waiting to check out, inviting their ire and nasty, exasperated looks.
            I  don’t drive a mammoth SUV that looks like a condo on wheels. I know some homeless people who would love to call a giant Lincoln Navigator their home. 
            I don’t go to Starbuck’s and drink $4 cups of coffee and I don’t wear $125 Nike sneakers.
           Shirts with designer logos on them don’t suit me. Why pay $45 for a nice shirt with a conspicuous advertisement for the maker on the front? They should pay me.
           Maybe I should, but I don’t count carbohydrates. I haven’t read The South Beach Diet and The Atkin’s Diet, with its pork rind snacks and unlimited strips of bacon throw fear into my heart and my aorta. 
           Somebody tell me what the big deal is about SpongeBob SquarePants. I feel sorry for Martha Stewart and I don’t get a kick out of all the swearing on television.
           I’m starting to object to the silly salaries being paid to our athletes. I’m all for these jocks getting well-paid, but giving a baseball player $25 million bucks a year seems a bit of over-doing it. I don’t think it’s defendable to have a millionaire basketball player dash into the stands to bash a spectator or two. 
           Okay, okay. So, I’m not cool. So, I’m an old-fashioned guy.
           If I have to like listening to Eminem talk a song or wear cargo pants or wear my cap backwards or drive my car with a cell phone stuck in my ear I guess I’ll never be cool.
           Right now I’m going to do something I think is cool. I’m going to sit down in my comfortable recliner , turn on the old stereo and listen to some Sinatra.
           I think he’s cool.