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"Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea." Headlines:
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- 92 year old charged as wartime criminal. (It's never too late I guess). 
- 2 men, rooting for a home team win, were accused of stealing ivy from a
wall in a baseball park. (They wanted to start a victory garden I guess).
- School in Indonesia wants to have girls take virginity test. (School board
decides it's not a very noble idea, as in "What do we do if they aren't?").
- Coachella Valley opens first commercial brewery as DUI sweep by
local police nets 8 habitual offenders.(Can breweries and DUI's co-exist, really?) - - Arabia passes domestic abuse ban (Look out men, they want revenge!).
- Israeli troops dance in nightclub with Palestinian citizens.(Soldiers put on suspension for fraternizing with the enemy).
- Taylor Swift explains what she meant by "Shut the f... up!" (It seemed very
clear to most people).
- Key to health fitness discovered. MONEY! (Findings lauded, but is it all
that shocking?).
- Maryland parking lot bombed by National Guard.(For overcharging to
park their cars?)
- Congress is divided over whether to bomb Syria for using gas on civilians.
(Has Congress ever been united on any issue?). - Given enough warning, the Syrian leaders who gassed their own citizens will be long gone if the President attacks.(I wonder, do they teach that forewarning tactic at West Point?)

And on the lighter side:
- A blonde Swedish lady reporter asked the President why he wanted to risk starting a war, since he receive a Nobel Peace Prize. (Who said blondes were dumb?).