Featured Column
Week of 3.21.2005
Court is in session
          Sometimes the wheels of justice spin far too slowly in my opinion, so I’ve decided to inaugurate a new court: A court that will prosecute and sentence offenders quickly, and righteously.
           Court is now in session.
           To all of you defendants who have contributed to the invention of those impregnable plastic, bubble wrap packages that are impossible to open without “the jaws of life,” jackhammer and a crowbar I sentence you to go to a dark and dank office in Cleveland and not come out until you have invented a package that is easier to open. Next case!
          To all of you producers, directors and emcees of “reality shows,” especially those that feature contestants eating tumid worms, rat livers or the testicles of celibate oxen, I sentence each and every one of you to eating three meals a day for 6-months consisting of the same vile menu you offer your contestants. And while we’re at it, you producers, directors and emcees of those “reality shows” that thrive on the debasement and embarrassment of contestants I hereby order you to remove those programs from the airways and I sentence each of you to sit for 8 consecutive hours listening to Donald Trump talk about himself. Next case!
          Anna Nicole Smith, for your crimes against good taste and decorum I sentence you to stand alone looking at your own image, naked in front of a full length mirror 2 hours a day for a year. Next case!
          To all of you parole officers who free brainsick, rapist-killers and enable them to walk our streets only to kill and rape again I sentence you to share a jail cell with an incarcerated crazed, maniacal rapist-killer for a year or until you feel exactly what a victim feels – whichever comes first. Next case!
          To you Pentagon purchasing agents who spend our citizens’ hard earned tax dollars on $1200 toilet seats, $600 claw hammers, and $17 pencils I sentence each of you to purchase all goods for your own house at the same price structure you use when you spend our tax money. Next case!
          To you conservative radio talk show hosts that spend hour after hour denigrating and insulting Democrats just for being Democrats I sentence each of you to 2 weeks solitary confinement in a small room, listening only to the excitable and excessive tone of Rush Limbaugh discussing Republican fiscal policy. Next case!
          To you, the owners of outsized, ponderous SUV’s who constantly drive with a cell phone plastered to your ear, devoting only half of your attention to the road, I sentence you to be a passenger for a day in rainy Los Angeles freeway traffic in a Mini-Cooper driven by a pubescent teenager who is constantly dialing, listening and talking to a cell phone while driving and talking with other teenagers in puberty. Perhaps then you will learn to devote all of your attention to your driving and not to divide your awareness while on the road. Next case!
          To each of you directors, producers and actors on cable and network television that feel that your shows won’t achieve high ratings unless the dialogue is filled with obscenities and sexual innuendos I order you to consider that children are watching and learning from your example about what is acceptable in society. I sentence you 12-consecutive hours, sitting in a folding chair with Chris Rock on one side of you and Andrew Dice Clay on the other, with them taking turns spewing foul language in your ears, close up. Next case!
           To all of you drug dealers who sell to America’s youth I sentence each of you, individually, to be alone in a small room for 3 hours with 6 large, irate and vengeful fathers of kids to whom you’ve sold drugs. And upon your emergence may all of your wounds be bathed in painful Iodine.
          Court is adjourned today, but it may be convened at any time that justice needs to be served.
Decency offenders sentenced
      Ron was born in the Bronx, New York. He was raised in Southern California and lived in Honolulu, Hawaii for three decades. He attended Inglewood High School and U.C.L.A.. His youthful goal was to become a major league baseball player. In Hawaii Ron played on a series of championship softball teams. He is an active tennis player.
      Ron’s career began at the Inglewood Daily News where as a youngster was enrolled in a publisher training program. He served as an advertising salesman, circulation manager, writer and layout and design staffer. He has been a newspaper publisher at the Oregon City Oregon Enterprise Courier, the Beloit Wisconsin Daily News, the Elizabeth, New Jersey Daily Journal and This Week Magazines (Hawaii).
      Ron lives with his wife, Marilyn, in San Diego, California. His two children, Douglas and Diane also live in the San Diego area. Ron’s interests range far and wide and are reflected in his columns diverse topics.
Ron Cruger