The Spectator
founded 2004 by ron cruger
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by Ron Cruger
An Interview With Donald Blump
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        “Well, Mr. Blump, I want to thank you for granting me this interview. I’m sure the readers of our magazine, ‘Blather,’ will enjoy reading what you have to say.”
         “You’re very welcome, Mr. Cruger. I know I’m a very interesting guy and I’m sure your readers will enjoy and appreciate my comments.
        Let’s start off, Mr. Blump, by me asking you why you decided to run for the presidency.”
        “That’s easy. The United States needs a president like me. You know, someone who is handsome and smart and knows how to get things done. I think of all the presidents we’ve had during the past few decades or so and I get embarrassed about how weak and shaky they’ve been. This country needs a guy like me to lead it.”
        “Mr. Blump, what makes you think you have the qualifications to be our nation’s president?”
        “To start off with, I own a lot of buildings and golf courses, plus I’ve had my own television shows and I know a lot of very wealthy people. Also, I’m worth over a billion dollars. That’s something no other presidents can claim, can they?”
        “No, Mr. Blump, they can’t. Can you compare yourself with another president, say with Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”
        “Sure. He was another rich guy like me, but the guy couldn’t even walk on his own. He had to be pushed around in an old wooden wheel chair. I don’t know how he got elected three times…”
        “Excuse me, Mr . Blump, FDR was elected to four terms as president.”
        “Okay, okay, shows you how dumb the American people can be.”
        “Mr. Blump, can you tell us what has made you so successful in business and how you think that will help you being president.”
        “Well, I won’t sit around and take months and years to make decisions. We’re going to fix that Medicare thing, Social Security and change the tax thing too. We’re gonna change the entitlement thing along with our trade policies and he minimum wage. We’ll also change the rules to allow certain kinds of torture – and we’ll get all these things done in the first year of the Blump Presidency.”
        “Mr. Blump, have you changed your official position on things like banning Muslims from entering the United States or deporting 11 million undocumented workers and strengthening our ties with Vladimir Putin?”
         “No, I haven’t changed. If the Muslims are causing most of our problems I don’t see why we should handle them with kid gloves. And if foreign workers are taking jobs that Americans can do I say let’s get ‘em out of the country so Americans can get back to work. And I’ve watched and listened to that Putin guy and I think him and me could get along fine.”
        “Mr. Blump, you have criticized many of our long standing mutual aid agreements, such as NATO. What would you do in this regard if you became president?”
        “I’d tell each of those countries, like France and Germany to start paying their fair-share of the cost of these things and if they didn’t we would remove part of the protection that the U.S. has guaranteed them all these years. You know, pay up or shut up.”
        “Mr. Blump, you know you’ve offended a number of groups of people with some of your statements. Have you changed your attitude towards groups you’ve offended like P.O.W’s, people with disabilities, Mexicans, Muslims, women and that David Duke tumult.
        "No, I haven’t changed my feelings about those things. I just want all Americans to know that this country is made up of ‘Makers’ and “Takers.” I want to make it tough on the ‘Takers’ and reward the ‘Makers.”
        Well, Mr. Blump, times up. Anything you want to add?”
        “Just this – See ya in the White House.”